Mumz The Word - My Comedy Playground http://www.mumz-the-word.com The Comedy Playground Mon, 14 May 2012 15:50:11 +0000 en hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.2.1 Comedy on Long May Line-ups: Zula Bar http://www.mumz-the-word.com/2012/05/comedy-on-long-may-line-ups-zula-bar/ http://www.mumz-the-word.com/2012/05/comedy-on-long-may-line-ups-zula-bar/#comments Mon, 14 May 2012 15:50:11 +0000 Mum-z http://www.mumz-the-word.com/?p=2440

7th May

Host: Mark Palmer
Headliner: Martin Evans
Support Act: Anne Hirsch
Open Mic: Angel

14th May

Host: Mark Palmer
Headliner: Dylan Skews
Support Act: KG
Open Mic: Dalin Oliver

21st May

Host: Mark Palmer
Headliner: Paul Snodgrass
Support Act: Martin Evans
Open Mic: Shaun Fickling

28th May

Host: Mark Palmer
Headliner: Mum-z
Support Act: Peter Sserwanga
Open Mic: Oliver Booth
Open Mic: Schalk Bezuidenhout

]]> http://www.mumz-the-word.com/2012/05/comedy-on-long-may-line-ups-zula-bar/feed/ 0 Welcome to Google Nigeria http://www.mumz-the-word.com/2012/04/welcome-to-google-nigeria/ http://www.mumz-the-word.com/2012/04/welcome-to-google-nigeria/#comments Thu, 26 Apr 2012 08:02:34 +0000 Mum-z http://www.mumz-the-word.com/?p=2434

]]> http://www.mumz-the-word.com/2012/04/welcome-to-google-nigeria/feed/ 0 Yes I know I’m a grown-ass man http://www.mumz-the-word.com/2012/04/yes-i-know-i%e2%80%99m-a-grown-ass-man/ http://www.mumz-the-word.com/2012/04/yes-i-know-i%e2%80%99m-a-grown-ass-man/#comments Thu, 26 Apr 2012 07:53:43 +0000 Mum-z http://www.mumz-the-word.com/?p=2431 So I have realized that the most intense relationship that I have had is with a Box, you know of the X 360 assortment, and I’m not ashamed to say so, so suck it! My dad’s bigger than you dad. (That’s right I went there). I think as someone who has to endure, as opposed to living through the real world, there’s something liberating about god-like about holding one’s destiny on your hands and, with games such as Rockstar’s Grand Theft Auto, decide when a brother can get some (you know, some of that grown people-and fourteen year olds in this day and age- yum, yum.) Then one day you realize that this computer generated asswipe, who may share your name as you’ve labeled him as such, is totally the Axe guy, while you’re the beggar who picks off scraps whenever their eyes set sights on some (I.e. the girl on the verge of vomiting who seems as randy as ever-of course being classier than that I wouldn’t…ahem, quick look away and ashamed downward glance, do that.) Of course opportunity knocks and at times you must open the door before she passes out by the third attempt of ringing the doorbell.

So what is it about living vicariously through these digital fictional people’s lives that we cherish so much even at times when we fail at a stage more times than we do at ‘just getting the damn thing right because it’s been 2 weeks and you’re still no closer to getting the BIG IDEA you asshole’ – bosses have a way with words when expressing what a stellar performance you are giving at SUCKING ASS! Well for one, if at first you don’t succeed, it’s not that bitch in Accounting’s fault, so you deal with the fact that it’s all on you. You can then analyze where you went wrong instead of having an overbearing, egomaniacal ass tell you what to do next, even if that my not resolve the issue but rather complicate a simple error to start off with. You are also in an environment where it’s between you, the mute remote; With its ‘up for alternative use‘ vibrations, and a will to see what comes next (as opposed to being subjected to promise after promise that soon leads to a realization that the carrot does not exist), with the grand finale being VICTORY, lead by a ‘watch out for the delicates’ but go crazy in the living room celebration, mirrored by a “It’s about bloody time” response in an office environment.

So let’s work this out, daily we have to go in and endure this treatment for a third of our day, and people wonder why I can play for 12 straight hours over the weekend making my way through a hectic mission of mastering Fifa so I may embarrass any given challenger (a feeling that one can only describe as the taste of an Angel’s kiss, glazed with honey, love and a drop of dignity and arrogance). Well folks, simply out, it’s none of your Go’dam business, but after reading this I hope you have a further understanding into why she (my brother’s X Box 360) does wonders for me.
P.S. I love her!

- KB’s Word

Unlike
]]> http://www.mumz-the-word.com/2012/04/yes-i-know-i%e2%80%99m-a-grown-ass-man/feed/ 0 Says who? http://www.mumz-the-word.com/2012/04/says-who/ http://www.mumz-the-word.com/2012/04/says-who/#comments Fri, 13 Apr 2012 14:24:02 +0000 Mum-z http://www.mumz-the-word.com/?p=2426 OK, let’s just be honest for the sake of building trust from sentence 1, I have peed sitting down. Whew, feels good to let out, in all senses of the term. I was HAMMERED and I knew that standing was not an option, as I was barely managing to do that without the task of holding on to an enormous penis and aiming it at one of the 3 toilet bowl “bulls eye’s” that seemed to merge into one at times. I’m Black, so I was obliged to add the enormous adjective based on the Stereotype Law of 63 Statute 14, when this is truly just not the case. Just like the South African version of Grades I’m Standard. Ok, waaaaaaaaaaay off topic. Let’s get back to the crux of this verbal vomit, which is who is this THEY?

“They say you should look left and right before you cross” So what if I look Right, right then left, right, left, right, right? Besides being extremely cautious and having given away a Mortal Kombat fatality, I see nothing wrong with my methodology. But why stop there? Why should the lazier sex have to be subjected to standing when peeing based purely on an attachment? If you’ve ever received an email, you’ll know that some attachments are a huge disappointment, have issue opening up etc. Let the okes pee sitting so we aren’t forced to trudge through swamps of pee and spit when it’s our turn to relieve ourselves, because at times we end up wanting to relieve with our mouths too due to the filthy condition of some of the loo’s I’ve seen (Yip, I frequent classy joints by the sounds of it).

I must say that I have been privy to seeing a chickie or two (based on their about-to-be-mentioned actions I refuse to call them ladies) who have said, “To hell with societies norms and the male/female symbols on toilet doors, and they’ve peed standing into the urinals. A few words sprang to mind when this mystifying moment occurred, KICK-ASS, YOU SHOW THEM, and GO GIRL! Alas all that came out my mouth was “Sies man, go to your own f&^%*$*^&*n bathroom you bergie b&&%^&h” (I need to have words with my mouth, it just doesn’t listen sometimes).

It all comes down to double standards therefore for guys it’s double the pleasure. We do as we please and when women copy we have the pleasure of hurling verbal abuse at them at random, while they feel uncouth and so far from lady-like, they consider becoming pro wrestlers, hockey players or body builders. It’s completely unfair, but since we are all pawns on the chessboard of a fairly wise player, they can have multiple orgasms. Check mate!

- KB’s Word

Unlike
]]> http://www.mumz-the-word.com/2012/04/says-who/feed/ 0 …But What Of The Playboy Bunny? http://www.mumz-the-word.com/2012/04/but-what-of-the-playboy-bunny/ http://www.mumz-the-word.com/2012/04/but-what-of-the-playboy-bunny/#comments Wed, 11 Apr 2012 14:36:24 +0000 Mum-z http://www.mumz-the-word.com/?p=2423 I have never understood why bunnies, in all their glorious lumo colours, and chocolate eggs (which is straight torture for those that have that intolerance for he who shall not be named- LACTOSE!) have to do with an oke getting nailed up on a cross in the most hardcore way, with a crown of thorn shoved in his kop. It’s like remembering hangings by having hoola hoop races and handing out candyfloss to friends, lovers and family alike.
That blaa blaa blaa being said, LOVE the extra long holiday. It’s like a 2 week WIN-WIN period where one week, you get to treat a Wednesday like a Thursday (knowing the next day is usually easy-going, a write off and the beginning of the weekend, so it excuses all unruly night before behaviour), and the following week, after the first day back, you know that the next day is mid-week meaning Thursday is just around the corner (Yes, I love Thursday’s so much I plan to run and marry them in Vegas, with Friday as our Maid-of-honour and the entire Festive Season as my best man).

Alriiiiiighty then crazy guy who loves his weeks, what the hell did you do that was so DANGER ZONE during your break? Huh? What awesomeness did thou behold? Well shut your mouths with masking and duct tape as I tell you, annoying askers of questions you. I had an epic break in the “Blacks entering this area better be cleaners of homes, trimmers of lawns and related garden duties, petrol pourers or any such suitable – those were the days – job” town known as Betty’s Bay. WOW, white folk have done been living good. From the beautiful scenery to the African Penguin ‘farm’ I felt as if I was a teenage boy stuck backstage at Fashion Week Cape Town, SO MUCH BEAUTY! (Although I didn’t take a ‘bathroom break’ where I showed my enthusiasm for the scenery with enthusiastic rubbing and tugging, eyes wide shut while flashbacking to favourite moments).

Never have I had so much good food, drank so much wine, played multiple board games female-orgasm style (over and over until you’ve had enough). And to think it was all unplanned and very last minute. I mean we had a GPS Easter Egg Hunt, which required a reliable car of some kind and smart phone, which was a hoot and a half (it must have been awesome for me to use words like hoot, maybe I spent a bit tooo much time there, sounding like Carlton Banks, shameful).

After a surprise announcement from my brother that he was just going to casually hop on to a flight to Jozi, leaving me and X Box alone, I’m glad I ended up with an awesome group of peeps enjoying a hidden gem and a must see for all. I came back completely relaxed until the ride back, where, as we entered town, a young gentleman approached the window and said ”AWE, give a R5 there man please, wanna get a stukkie brood” hand still shaking from his last Tik hit in anticipation of hopefully getting another soon. But fear not, another long weekend she comes. Just make sure you wangle your way out of Monday before Tuesday the 1st, so you can have a BREEEEEAK, fuck a Kit-Kat!

Unlike
]]> http://www.mumz-the-word.com/2012/04/but-what-of-the-playboy-bunny/feed/ 0 JOKE: What will the baby be called? http://www.mumz-the-word.com/2012/03/joke-what-will-the-baby-be-called/ http://www.mumz-the-word.com/2012/03/joke-what-will-the-baby-be-called/#comments Sat, 17 Mar 2012 10:29:21 +0000 Mum-z http://www.mumz-the-word.com/?p=2418 A 16-year-old girl finally had the opportunity to go to a party by herself. Since she was very good-looking, she was a bit nervous about what to do if boys hit on her. Her mom said, “It’s very easy! Whenever a boy starts hitting on you, you ask him, “What will be the name of our baby?” That’ll scare them off.”

So off she went. After a little while at the party, a boy started dancing with her, and little by little he started kissing her and touching her. She asked him, “What will our baby be called?” The boy found some excuse and disappeared. Sometime later, the same thing happened again: a boy started to kiss her neck, her shoulders… She stopped him and asked about the baby’s name, and he ran off.

Later on, another boy invited her for a walk. After a few minutes, he started kissing her, and she asked him, “What will our baby be called?” He continued, now slowly taking her clothes off. “What will our baby be called?” she asked once more. He began to have sex with her. “What will our baby be called?!” she asked again. After he was done, he took off his “full” condom, gave it a knot, and said, “If he gets out of this one… David Copperfield!

- Submitted by Jarrod Danker

]]> http://www.mumz-the-word.com/2012/03/joke-what-will-the-baby-be-called/feed/ 0 JOKE: Flower Power http://www.mumz-the-word.com/2012/03/joke-flower-power/ http://www.mumz-the-word.com/2012/03/joke-flower-power/#comments Sat, 17 Mar 2012 10:15:14 +0000 Mum-z http://www.mumz-the-word.com/?p=2411

Paddy rings his new  girlfriend’s door bell, with a big bunch of flowers in hand. She opens the door, sees the  flowers, and drags him in. She lies back on the couch, pulls her skirt up, rips her knickers off and says ‘This is  for the flowers!’
‘Don’t be silly,’ says Paddy, ‘You must have a vase somewhere!’

- Submitted by Jarrod Danker

Unlike
]]> http://www.mumz-the-word.com/2012/03/joke-flower-power/feed/ 0 JOKE: The Neighbors Son http://www.mumz-the-word.com/2012/03/joke-the-neighbors-son/ http://www.mumz-the-word.com/2012/03/joke-the-neighbors-son/#comments Sat, 17 Mar 2012 10:09:08 +0000 Mum-z http://www.mumz-the-word.com/?p=2408 Wife: “Honey, come help me with the garden. ”
Husband: “Do you think I am a Gardener?”
Wife: “Come fix the toilet tap please.”
Husband: “Do you think I’m a Plumber?”
Wife: “Honey fix the door handle.”
Husband: “Do you think I’m a Carpenter?”

The Husband went out. When he returned, he saw that everything was fixed; the garden, toilet tap and the door handle. He asked his wife who had done it. She replied. “It was the Neighbour’s Son. But he gave me 2 options: either to make him a Cheese Burger or have Sex with him!.”
Husband: “I’m sure you gave him a Burger!”
Wife: “Who do you think I am? McDonald’s?

- Submitted by Jarrod Danker

Unlike
]]> http://www.mumz-the-word.com/2012/03/joke-the-neighbors-son/feed/ 0 JOKE: Business is Business http://www.mumz-the-word.com/2012/03/joke-business-is-business-2/ http://www.mumz-the-word.com/2012/03/joke-business-is-business-2/#comments Sat, 17 Mar 2012 09:56:29 +0000 Mum-z http://www.mumz-the-word.com/?p=2404 A Chinese guy goes to a Jew to buy black bras, size 38. The Jew, known for his skills as a businessman, says that black bras are rare and that he is finding it very difficult to buy them from his suppliers. Therefore he has to charge $50.00 for them.

The Chinese guy buys 25 pairs.

He returns a few days later and this time orders fifty.

The Jew tells him that they have become even harder to get and charges him $60.00 each.

The Chinese guy returns a month later and buys the Jews remaining stock of 50, and this time for $75.00 each.

The Jew is somewhat puzzled by the large demand for black size 38 bras and asks the Chinese guy, “…please tell me – What do you do with all these black bras?”

The Chinese guy answers: “I cut them in half and sell them as skull caps to you Jews for $200.00 each.”

- Submitted by Barry Varkel

Unlike
]]> http://www.mumz-the-word.com/2012/03/joke-business-is-business-2/feed/ 0 JOKE: Doctor in Dublin http://www.mumz-the-word.com/2012/03/joke-doctor-in-dublin/ http://www.mumz-the-word.com/2012/03/joke-doctor-in-dublin/#comments Sat, 17 Mar 2012 09:50:25 +0000 Mum-z http://www.mumz-the-word.com/?p=2400 “John O’Mackey, I am going fishing  tomorrow and don’t want to close the clinic. I want you to  take care of the clinic and take care of all me  patients”.

“Yes, sir!” answers  O’Mackey.

The doctor goes fishing and  returns the following day and asks:   “So, O’Mackey, how was  your day?”

O’Mackey told him that he took care  of three patients. “The first one had a headache so he did,  so I gave him Paracetamol”

“Bravo O’Mackey lad, and the second  one?” asks the doctor.

“The second one had indigestion  and I gave him Gaviscon, so I did sir” says  O’Mackey.

“Bravo, bravo! You’re good at this  and what about the third one?” asks the doctor.

“Sir, I was sitting here and  suddenly the door flies open and a young gorgeous woman bursts in so she does.
Like a bolt outta the blue, she tears off her clothes, taking off everyting including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading  her legs and shouts: “HELP ME for the love of St Patrick! For five years I have not seen any man!’”

“Tunderin’ lard Jesus O’Mackey, what  did you do?” asks the  doctor…

“I put drops in her  eyes.”

- Submitted by Barry Varkel

Unlike
]]> http://www.mumz-the-word.com/2012/03/joke-doctor-in-dublin/feed/ 0